Monday, February 16, 2004

As always when the Beast came, Kylan retreated into the past. Before it had taken hold of his soul, before his hate had come alive. Back when life had been the simple process of watching things grow. He had his own farm, earned through acts of bravery in another war, a wife, earning her love had been far more harowing than winning the farm, and a family. The three girls all had their mother's hair, raven colored, the kind that flowed more than moved. The boys were beginning to grow up like their father, tall, thick builds with round, smiling faces.

The fire changed all that.

And oh gods, how beautiful was there mother. He had loved her before he even knew her name, ever since he had seen her dancing to celebrate the return of the victorious army, her hair flowing around her like a river of night.

The soldiers must have taken their time with such a rare beauty.

At first he had been haughty, convined the mighty warrior, the all conquering hero could take what he desired. Yes she would of course swoon to see that a simple peasant had risen to rank of Jarl, an elite warrior. How she would desire him!!!

Alas, fantasy and reality often don't coincide.

The courtship would be easier now, were you a necromancer.

Eventually, he had won her heart. And his world had become what he always wanted.

Then some fool had decided that his border was not where it should be, had marshalled his forces and began slaughtering the people who llved on "his property." Kylan wasn't even sure which country started the whole damn thing. One day the soldiers appeared, standing in the center of town.

"Gather your arms, your king the great Lord Ulrich demands your bravery and strength! Cowards from neighboring Strazlund have attacked our borders, killed and raped innocents in wanton destruction!"

Several of the younger men had joined immediately, shouting for the blood of the invaders.

Friday, February 06, 2004

As a quick aside before i start the story, the car was actually totalled. apparantly 14 year old jeeps with 160,000 miles on 'em just aren't worth saving if you're an insurance company. bastards. anyway, on with the show.

Beasts Within

"They don't understand, it won't let me die this easily."

Rough rope scratching at his hands and neck Kylan tried again to convince them of their mistake. Screaming into the gag that the villagers had forced into his mouth, all he managed to create was a rough rasping sound. The horse Kylan straddled bare back shifted nervously at the sound, turning its head to stare man behind it weilding a long thin willow branch.

"Now, now, screaming won't do you no good," the man said, "besides you ain' got long to wait, nearly everybody's here." He gestured with his whip to the large crowd assembled in front of the hanging tree. The group, mostly women and children, sat quietly, waiting the execution with an air of those who had seen far to much death in the last few years, and merely attended the hanging out of a grim sense of duty.

A slow trickle of people had been approaching from all directions, most from the village the Kylan could see perched on the hilla few hundred yards distant, others from outlying farms. As the sun began to appraoch its zenith, the trickle stopped. A man, Kylan recognized as the elder of this village moved to stand in front of the horse.

"This man, " he began, pointing to Kylan, "was found yesterday morning on the farmstead of Sirius and Jenna..."

As the man began to speak, Kylan felt It stir in the back of his mind. It had waited there, like a predatory beast, licking its claws in anticipation.

"No! No, don't do this, they don't understand."

There was no response, but Kylan could feel it growing in power, gathering its strength.

"...covered in their blood, and the blood of their children..."

The horse began to twitch nervously, it ears swiveling around to find the source of its unease.

Kylan's hands began to twitch, his head felt like it was on fire. Stabbing needles of pain shot down his spine and nested in his stomach. Vomit exploded around the gag, it was impossible to breathe.

"..and I swear to you friends, he had eaten part of the bodies..."

Kylan was doubled over, his head buried in the horse's mane, the bones in his hands began to crack and shatter, fringers elongating.

The man behind the horse, eyes wide with fear, was backing away. Then he rushed forward swinging the branch wildly, connecting with the horse, which shot out from under Kylan.

As the rope around his neck snapped taut, Kyaln felt the Beast surge forward, pushing Kylan into the dark recesses of his own mind.

Kylan wept.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Ok, That's it....

assuming that most of the people who read this also read marian's blog everybody should know i got dumped friday. needlessly to say, it made for a long weekend.

but hey, i thought, at least it can't get worse...

oh, but then god (or karma, whoever) decided that i needed just one more shot in the nuts. last night i hit a patch of black ice. i was only going 40 or 45 and i've recovered from slides thousands of times. i was actually pretty calm about it. then my car hit the median and rolled onto its side.

i got a lot less calm.

the short version is, no one got hurt and the car has relatively minor damage. should only cost about 200 bucks to fix it after insurance.

but beyond that, i give up. whatever it was i did to make god mad, i'm sorry, you can stop now.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

did you know i believe in good and evil? not as sentient life forms (i'm not talking about guys with feathers taking on guys with pitchforks or anything), but as actual, palpable forces. as elemental as gravity or weak and strong nuclear forces and just as universal.

good and evil are opposite but they aren't mutually exclusive. its not like a person can be pigeonholed as "good" any more than they can be pigeonholed as having skin. everybody has the ability to create good or evil.

the problem is that good is harder than evil. there is often no real reward for doing whats right, most people just say "well done" and go along their way. good must also be maintained, because evil, by its very nature, is aggressive.

evil is aggressive because it has to be. its uses up all that comes within its grasp, sucks away whatever had meaning and discards whats left. it is entropy, when people give into fear, or do nothing and allow something that had meaning fade away, then evil gets stronger.

i've always like fiction evil because it Evil. it stands in front of you with a sword, (or gun, or insidious lies, or whatever) and dares you to stop it. i like Evil because it gives you that chance, however slim, however dangerous, to make a real difference. then, whether you stand victorious or die unsung and unmourned, at least you had that chance.

for most of my life i have tried to do the right thing. create more good than evil, i figured this would be my way of making a little differrance. perhaps i'd even make a big difference, who knows? i try to put others first and focus on their needs, even if it makes my life more difficult. and quite frankly, it doesn't seem to help the universe, and it usually ends up hurting me.

so i guess it all boils down to one question:

am i noble, or an idiot?

what the hell, send replies to heharri2@vt.edu.

let me know what you think.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

told marian i would do this, so fire away:

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I’ll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When’s the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?

send replies to heharri2@vt.edu
for a long time i had this problem, i didn't think i deserved to be happy. i don't know when it first appeared, but it was when i was pretty young. it took a long time (years) before i could finally convince myself that i hadn't fundamentally wronged the universe in any way. its a really insidious feeling. nothing ever seems to go right, so obviously, nothing is ever going to go right. even if something goes well, its just a temporary reprieve until the "real world" comes crashing down on you. its a downward spiral like you not believe. it took a lot of hard work to get over it.

but i still have to watch it.

occassionally, it resufaces usually when things are going well for a while. i tend to become withdrawn from those i love, distracted by the overwhelming worry that its going to come crashing down around me. its like termites in a way. everything seems fine on the outside, but inside i'm being torn away and undermined.

looking back at the last blog post i can see the symptoms. once i recognize the feeling i just have to attack it (in a very literal sense) until it leaves. i've talked to therapists about it. they seemed to agree that the best way to deal with it was the way i'm doing it now. its just the kind of thing i have to be constantly vigilant against. i didn't even see it this time until marian said something.

the worst part is, its not me. i never did anything to deserve being miserable all the time. falling into this old pattern is one of the few things that makes me truly angry with myself. at least now i know what is happening, and what to do about it.

anyway, got to get a shower. that story is coming, i promise.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

ok, so i abviously haven't been doing the story on here. the truth is i'm stuck on one part. plus i've recently been distracted so its hard.

some friends of mine and marian hold a card night every sunday, i had to miss it this sunday cause i have to go too work tomorrow. plus, quite frankly, i don't think marian went, and i wanted to see her tonight. at any rate, sorry billy and callia (i really hope i spelled that right). i'll tell you guys to your face next time i see you.

sometimes its hard for me to know if i'm being overly sensitive about something. i hate that because i never know if i'm working myself up into a frenzy for no reason, or if i'm handling the situation well or what.

well, i'm pretty tired, time to check email and go to bed.

Friday, December 05, 2003

i've been sitting around thinking about this thing. i've brought up using this thing to tell a serialized story for the last few times i've been on.

so i will prolly go ahead and get the first instalment edited so i can start tomorrow.

later. hope everybody enjoys.

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